Do or do not. There is no try.

As Yoda said, "Do or do not. There is no try." 

I don't know where I got my courage from. Not to say that there aren't moments of fear in my life, but for the most part, I find myself willingly stepping into the unknown and risking failure. And that's one of the things I love about myself.

I think back to key points of my life where I've stepped into the unknown and just trusted that the universe would catch me, that I'd succeed or get the learning that I was supposed to get from whatever failure happened.

My philosophy in university was "take all the classes that look interesting. If you don't like a class, don't take it again." I was fortunate enough that tuition only cost half an arm and a leg, and that I was able to take courses from 16 different disciplines - an academic buffet of knowledge. I dove fearlessly into a few C's, D's and an F. There may even be an N (incomplete) in there for good measure. Because deep down I knew, no matter what my grade was, it didn't determine my worth as a person. I value my diverse education (chemistry, sociology, English, history, economics, philosophy, Japanese, archaeology, religion, etc) - I feel like exposing myself to all of those things have made me a more well-rounded person.

While my stomach drops each time I'm about to go on stage for stand up comedy, whether I'm telling new or old jokes, I get such a high from making people laugh. And there have been times where there were only 8 other people in the audience and they were other comics. They didn't laugh. Thinking back on that night, I chuckle - it isn't as though there is a finite amount of laughter to be had. I've had to go onstage after a 10 year old boy performed his stand up comedy (an uncomfortable routine on puberty and sex ed at school), and perform my "Elmo discovers PlushyLovers.com on Google" bit. I've had less successful nights. But I didn't let it stop me from getting back on stage, because I LOVE being on stage, lighting up people's faces with laughter.

I've picked up and moved to another country on less than three weeks' notice - never once thinking about whether people would like me. Because I like me. And when you like yourself (in a healthy, nurturing way, not an ego-maniacal, narcissistic way), people will like you, too. I've made new friends everywhere we've lived (3 new cities in 30 months!). Not everyone is going to be your best friend for life, but there are adventures and new learnings in every relationship. Think back on who you were a year ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago? Have your relationships, positive or negative, helped shape who you are today?

And now, I'm stepping into all sorts of new things. For example, I've decided to try out filming cooking videos in sign language - I cook, talk and sign all at the same time. (Don't ask me to juggle, though.) As a coda (child of deaf adults), I sometimes worry about how I'm perceived when I work within the deaf community. When it comes down to it, there will be deaf people who appreciate the work I do - as a coach, speaker, presenter and now as a online chef- and there will be deaf people who don't. It was a revelation - and I have those a lot - for me to understand and accept that you can't make everyone happy so make yourself happy and the others will follow.

I have no idea if 2013 will be a prosperous year - but both hubby and I are stepping into trusting ourselves and giving ourselves the tools we need to succeed as entrepreneurs. I have no idea what awaits me on the other side. I think part of me really likes the unknown - that, "what's next?" moment. It's scary, exciting and delicious.

We all have failures in our life, but those are the people I love - because they actually did something. And those who learn from their failures are stronger for them.

What's a struggle or a failure that you've had that you'd like to celebrate and give thanks for?

Shine on, sparkly friends!

Sometimes we forget that we own ourselves. That we have complete ownership of our decisions, reactions and desires. As a life coach, I'm not immune from being forgetful. Where are the moments in your life where you forget who you are, what your dreams are and who you want to *be* as you experience life?

As I've been navigating self-employment for the first time, and a whole host of transitional experiences with our return to Canada after being away for two years (and being restricted from working for two years), I've been working on cultivating my identity. I know this will be a life long endeavour, to be sure, but for now what is presenting itself so boldly in my face is self ownership.

For those that have known me for many years, know that I have a strong sense of self, that I'm a fairly confident and assertive woman who will take risks and fail and laugh about the failures and continue on. But I am, like many people who are strong, also have my tender moments. And here's what has been showing up for me, in a BIG way, these past few months:

That being a multi-faceted person is more than just okay. There will be people who have one job who don't understand why I identify myself as a coach, speaker, presenter, comedian and Pampered Chef consultant. To some, it may seem like I don't have a clear vision of my life. And I did feel a bit scattered, a bit embarrassed to be all these things. But then I had an AHA moment, a self ownership moment. What all of these things have in common is me - I bring happiness, lightness, laughter and joy to all the things I do in my life. That is my life's purpose. If you shine a light on a prism, you'll see the light sparkle everywhere. And that's really cool!

That knowing your boundaries means revisiting them regularly and maybe even redefining them. How this shows up is in my tri-cultural life. I belong to the hearing world. I belong to the deaf world. I can navigate my way almost effortlessly through both. But I also have a coda world (coda means child of deaf adults) and that's a different world altogether. Recently I decided to have fun (bringing more joy & laughter into the world!) and record videos for YouTube of me cooking in sign language and speaking simultaneously. I titled my videos to indicate that I was using ASL, when technically I am not. I chose to use that title because I want deaf people to be able to find my videos. If you're familiar with deaf culture, you'll know that ASL cannot be spoken. It has its own syntax, structure, etc. Some deaf people will take offense that I have appropriated this, and I've decided that I can't please everyone. I'm going to continue being a coda and do what works for me, which at the moment is signed and spoken videos. There are deaf friends who are enjoying my videos, one even said she felt like she was watching Julia Child for the deaf. That made my day. And my hearing friends are enjoying learning signs like chicken... I didn't know I was having a cultural crisis until I had passed it. My identity in the deaf community has been a challenging one, which maybe I'll write about more in depth another time, but the message that I really understood from the universe this week was, where I am is just fine, just fine indeed.

So if you're maybe beating yourself up for not meeting other people's expectations of being someone, maybe it's time to look at and celebrate how you're your own prism, reflecting a variety of colours. We're all cut differently. We all shine differently.

When I walk into my networking events this week and introduce myself, I'm going to OWN all of me. My coach self, my comic self, my speaker self, my awesome fun Pampered Chef self, my coda self. Because no one else is going to champion me if I don't believe in myself and the same is true for you. While you may have people who are part of your personal fan club, you have to believe in yourself too!

Have an amazing week and shine on!

From Ooops to Ooohs

I had the most interesting experience this morning. Once a week, I have a call with my own life coach. It's great for many reasons - she's really fantastic at supporting me, calling me out when I'm playing small or hiding, and my coach keeps me focused on my big Agenda that I have for myself. This morning I realized that I was a bit scattered and asked for permission to put away the beef stew that had cooked overnight in the slow cooker since it'd been out for too long. As a coach, I really prefer that my clients are fully present on the call. Often it is quite distracting when clients are eating their lunch or driving and being coached. I've even had a client do both simultaneously while I coached them. I felt bad for not being fully prepared for my call with this minor distraction.

So I ladled the stew (actually, we call it stoup because it's more like a soup/stew) into the containers. And the question was "what is here for you, right now in the moment?" A great coaching question, always. And for me it was watching this ladle scoop into the stoup and transfer to the pot. A realization that I was so distracted that, for the first time in 17 years, I had forgotten to add the pasta and the vegetables in the last hour of cooking. And then a sip of the broth and moist tender beef crossed my lips. And a smile.

In the moment, my beef stoup oops became my beef stew ooohs. There is learning in all things, you just have to see it. 

1. I saw the ladle as a metaphor for all the people who are showing up in my life to help me in one form or another. Whether it be my coach, new networking acquaintances, classmates or my wonderful friends.  
2. You can do something you've done a hundred times before and still make mistakes. But what is there to see, acknowledge, appreciate in the mistakes? What is the lesson that is available to you? 
3. While I had forgotten to add the noodles and the vegetables to the stew, what I did have was a fantastic foundation for whatever I wanted to make. I could add cooked rice, barley, different veggies, whatever. The metaphor here is: YOU/ME are the foundation of our lives. We are ENOUGH just as we are. Everything else is just an addition to our fantastic selves. 
4. It is exciting to try something new and unexpected. A happy accident. 
5. Finally, the biggest AHA moment I had was that I've literally been stewing/contemplating about life and not doing what I need to do. Percolating away with ideas for my coaching, speaking, comedy, and Pampered Chef work is great, but I'm also hungry for more progress, for more action. 

I truly love and feel privileged to be a coach and to also receive coaching. To have someone who is fully present for you, to have you be fully engaged with your mind and body, to hear/see the nuances of your life, and to echo them back. Wow. What I love is the action that comes from greater awareness. I truly love what coaches do for this world. I feel so blessed.

Where in your life have you had an OOPS that turned into an OOH? 

The beginning of self-employment

What can we know? We know what we see and what we're told. But what if you haven't seen your friend or family member for a while? What if, instead of sharing their daily experience with you, they chose to retreat or share only the positive side of life? Then the picture is incomplete. Yet we pass judgement based on our limited knowledge. You may not know that your friend or family member is really struggling - with unemployment, their health, their relationship, their children. We only know what we see and what we're told...

I've been following the series, Unemployment News, on Gawker for the last few months. It is, most typically, a bleak series of sadness and frustration. Of people who are struggling to find personal worth in paid employment. Of people who are not lazy but simply find themselves out of a job. There are so many people without work, who also feel without worth. I wonder, am I one of them?

Since our initial move to San Francisco in September 2010, I have not had full time employment. I was really awesome at my previous job, being an executive assistant for five years. For the two years we resided in the US, I was not "allowed to interrupt the flow of commerce." I happily resigned myself to copious amounts of TV watching and game playing for the first four months. That, and unpacking. And recovering from a stress-related illness. I found myself "retired" at 33 and that was strange. I tried offering my services in a volunteer capacity to several organizations, but it didn't work out. I focused my energies on baking and deriving my worth from the 'oohs' and 'ahhhs' from recipients. I maintained a small roster of Canadian coaching clients and loved coaching them. 

When we moved from San Francisco to Dallas, I was tasked with packing and unpacking, yet again. This kept me busy. I still had some Canadian coaching clients and being able to contribute to the goodwill generated in this world was lovely. I focused my efforts on writing a book of snarky haikus. I attended a writers' conference. I was going to make the best of being in Texas. 

And then life happens. A medical oversight. A potentially fatal mistake that nearly cost my husband his life, and most certainly altered his work relationships. So you focus on keeping your head above water. We returned to Canada and hoped that, after sufficient recovery, that the job market would embrace two highly intelligent, articulate and passionate people. 

Even though I haven't worked for a formal employer in over two years, I don't feel unemployed. I feel like I'm a beginner at being self-employed. It isn't easy, and I wish that friends and family were more supportive in concrete terms (if any of them were in my shoes, I wouldn't hesitate to help), but in the end, I haven't lost my optimism. I like to think hubby and I have figured out that a big salary and a big apartment aren't the be all, end all. We're living within our small means, and really trying hard to pursue our dreams. Will there be moments of exasperation and desperation? There already have been. Will there be regrets? Of course but I don't have a time machine. Being an optimist isn't about being a Pollyanna. It's a choice I make about my perspective on life. To take on each challenge from the perspective of, there is growth here and what is it? 

Yes, I live in optimism, but I also live in reality. There are many of us out there who wish we could express our worry, struggle, panic, sadness. And we don't. So here I am, expressing that I have my moments of worry, struggle, panic and sadness. And I know I'm not alone. Quite far from it. It is a scary world out there and meaning is what we make it to be. My optimism tells me that my meaning, my purpose in life, is to continue being me: silly, fun, spontaneous, creative, loving, kind, nurturing, surprising, awesome and that pretty soon, there will be people knocking on my door and emails in my box for people wanting to hire me as their coach, event speaker, workshop facilitator and Pampered Chef consultant. I won't always be a beginner at being self-employed. 

Candle in my window

Tonight, I've lit a candle in my window, to help those who were lost find their way to peace.

I'd like to believe in a loving place that greets us when we are no longer of this Earth. I'm not much for organized religion but I do believe that good people can organize and create positive change outside of any one faith.

I've cried today, thinking of the families that are cratered by senseless violence.  The 26 families made up of of mothers, fathers, aunt, uncles, sisters, brothers, grandparents and cousins and friends of those who were hunted down today in Connecticut. Or the families of the average 87 gun-related deaths that happen each day in the United States. Or the families of the 22 Chinese children that were stabbed today.

I would like to think that the "end of our existence as we know it," the ushering in of a new collective consciousness that is to be heralded by December 21, 2012, can actually take place. Maybe I am an overly optimistic hippy, maybe I'm in the wrong era. But I do believe we can all choose peace and love. The thing is, we have to give it to everyone we meet. I'm not saying I'm perfect, by any stretch, but what I am saying is that if we continue on this path of shaming and hating and destroying other people because they don't conform to our political or religious beliefs, we're not going to get very far.

I'm lighting a candle in my window tonight, and every night for the next week, as my desire for our troubled humanity to find its way to peace. I hope you'll join me. Maybe we can start a dialogue soon about what we're wanting to see from the world and each other. Tonight is for silence and reflection.

Kia America, You Broke My Heart

My husband and I, Canadian citizens, purchased our very first car, a 2012 Kia Soul, on October 31, 2011. We were living in Allen, Texas at the time, as my husband was on a work visa with a software company.

When we purchased our car from Southwest Mesquite Kia (Mesquite TX), we asked both the salesperson, Jerry, and the assistant manager of the dealership Kelsey, if we would be able to import the car into Canada. They assured me that it would be no problem. Since we only had 22 months left on my husband's work visa, the terms of financing were stiff. We were able to put down $10K on the car (which was meant to pay for hotel expenses my husband incurred during his work relocation) and paid $500 a month through a State Farm car loan (3.95% compared to the dealership offering us 16%).

Fast-forward to August 2012. My husband fell ill from medical negligence. We were not feeling welcome nor supported by his company and looking at returning to Canada. I investigated Transport Canada and the Registrar of Imported Vehicles website. As bad luck would have it, out of all the late model cars manufactured in the USA, only the 2012 and 2013 Kia vehicles were not allowed for import into Canada. If I had purchased a Toyota, a Ford, a Hyundai, or even a 2011 Kia Soul, I would have been fine. I'd still have to pay duty and make some small modifications, but I could live with that.

I contacted RIV and asked why the 2012 Kias were not on the list. I was directed to contact Kia America. I was spoken to by one of their higher up customer relations people. He could not tell me what the delay was or even a timeline. Right up until the week we were set to move, the 2012 Kia Soul we purchased was not allowed to be imported into Canada.

We sold our car on September 19, 2012, a car we paid $20,500 for, for $14,000 to CarMax, after less than a year. Kia America was absolutely useless in all of this. In addition to their complete lack of help and consideration, the dealership failed to tell me when I bought my car that even if I was able to import it, that the stellar 10 year warranty was with Kia America and I'd have to make arrangements with Kia Canada at additional costs if I wanted my car to be serviced on Canadian soil. When I asked about the warranty issue after I found out about not being able to import my car, the dealership's assistant manager said he had no idea that their warranty didn't cover Canada as well. A complete lack of communication and training from headquarters down to the dealerships.

Kia America and Southwest Mesquite KIA. You broke my heart. I still cringe when I see a Kia Soul on the car. I want so bad to get another one, but you treated me so poorly. You cost me $6,500. Why should I give you a chance again? It'd be really nice if Kia America or Kia Canada stepped up to the plate, apologized and maybe helped with a discount on a new Soul.

5 Things I've Learned From Facebook

April 21, 2007. That's the day I relented and joined Facebook. In these last 5 1/2 years, I've seen my friends mature personally and professionally, watched their children grow from ultrasound into tiny adults, celebrated birthdays, engagements, marriages, graduations, and offered support and condolences on the passing of their loved ones. This social network, this entity that binds us as a community, is amazing. I've also learned a lot about myself in the last five years. 

1. We are who we are, magnified

What we post on Facebook doesn't define us in our entirety, but it gives us a glimpse into a person's life and what is important to them. For some, they use Facebook to celebrate their children's milestones or their favourite sports team's accomplishments or to espouse their political ideology. Chances are, what you see on Facebook is what you'd get if you spent some time with these people in person. My posts are littered with what I've been baking and celebrating gratitude in the face of adversity. And yes, if you constantly post cat videos, chances are you really love cats. As someone who values depth in character and relationship, I really enjoy knowing people on that level. I feel like I see YOU and that brings me joy.  

What do your posts say about you?

2. All is not what it seems

Obviously, not everything you see on Facebook is a complete picture of someone's life. There are those who share every intimate detail of their lives on social media, down to the specifics of their pending divorces, bitter custody battles and dating disasters. Self-absorbed narcissists want all the attention all the time - there's a deeper psychological thing going on. For some, Twitter and Facebook is like having their own reality show and they're the star. But most people aren't like that. In fact, most people don't want to share their disappointments or failures with the world. I know I certainly don't advertise when I'm having a pity party in my pajamas - and we all have them. We only see what people want us to see. Frequent sad or whiny posts suggest that there are some deeper issues (and usually result in friends tuning out said statuses). On the flip side, I never quite trust people who use the word "perfect" with alarming frequency. Nothing and no one is perfect all of the time. There's always room for challenges and growth, even in our failures. And when you're feeling vulnerable and share your pains, we'll embrace you for the human that you are, just as we are also. If you are having regular pajama pity parties, invite some friends over for a pillow fight and bonk each other on the head until you're laughing and red in the face. 

Are your statuses creating an illusion or mirroring reality?

3. The definition of friendship

This was a tough one. I'm an optimist: I see everyone I meet as a potential friend and I regularly forget that not everyone is kind, loving and compassionate. I just assume everyone is (I live in a wonderful fantasy world, according to some!). There's a great adage, there are people who come into your life for a reason, season and a lifetime. Before Facebook, friendships naturally waned and we'd lose touch with our reason/season friends. Somehow, there's an artificial idea that adding someone to your Facebook means you have to be their friend forever. Not everyone is deserving of being in your life forever, and that's okay. 

We recently returned to Canada from living in Dallas for a year. Several Dallas "friends" didn't show any signs of concern or support when hubby was on 2 month medical leave- nor did they acknowledge our leaving Dallas despite numerous status updates, party invitations or texts. That was a defining moment, literally and figuratively: for me, a friend is someone who sincerely wishes you health, joy, happiness and success wherever you are. If they can't take a minute or two out of their day to do that, do you really want them in your life? The real gems are the kind that show up to help you move, surprise you on Christmas day, make you soup when you're sick, bake you your favourite treats or fly across the country just to see you off. From this day forward, I am only making room in my life for authentic friends - a high bar to set, but for me, friendship isn't about quantity, it's quality. 

How do you define friendship? 

4. The importance of acknowledgement and setting expectations

Whether you're a regular fixture on Facebook or an occasional voyeur, it means a lot to your friends when you acknowledge them. For me, I make regular use of the "like" button. It says, hey, I saw your post/photo/link and I'm cheering for you/agree with you/thinking of you. If someone regularly comments or "likes" things you post and you don't return that acknowledgement, even on a fractional basis, it can cause some hurt feelings. It's happened to me, as the giver and receiver of acknowledgement. The thing is, we're adults and we can talk about how this is impacting us. Some people place less value on maintaining relationships on Facebook because it is a virtual world, but the feelings involved are real. And friendships do take work to maintain, some less than others. Communicate your needs. And if the other person can't meet them, either accept them or move on. You know what your needs are, and it's more than reasonable to set those expectations. That being said, if Facebook is your only source of validation in life, you may want to get off the computer and make some in-person friends. All things in moderation, folks! 

Are you clear about your expectations in your relationships, online and off?

5. The world is a big and small place, simultaneously 

Moving from Vancouver to San Francisco to Dallas to Barrie, within a span of 25 months, was a whirlwind of packing, boxes, hotel rooms, unpacking and stress. And all the while, Facebook kept me connected to old and new friends near and far. Thanks to Facebook, I felt more connected to my distant friends and family and hooked into social groups in my new cities that made each transition easier. I use Facebook to connect with fellow coaches, writers and baking enthusiasts from around the world. I use it as a tool to enhance and share my joy and gratitude. What do you want more of, out of life? You can probably find it on Facebook - whether it be cat videos, spiritual quotes, silly jokes, or George Takei-inspired witticisms. There are millions of unique, awesome people in this social network. Your world is only as small as you want it to be. 

Where would you like to go from here?

I like to think I'm pretty true to life to my Facebook persona. Mostly upbeat, fairly food-focused, and driven to live a life full of passion and integrity. My life has been enriched by the positive and not-so-positive experiences I've had with friends and not-so-friends on Facebook. For that, I am grateful. 

Gratitude and Thanks

Canadians celebrated Thanksgiving this past Monday and this year has been especially filled with gratitude. I am thankful that a serious medical error was caught in time, which could have resulted in my husband having a stroke or heart attack if it had gone undetected much longer. I am thankful to be have returned to our stomping grounds of Southern Ontario (Barrie) after 20 years away and looking forward to reconnecting with many friends and family I haven't seen in a long time. I'm thankful for the amazing friendships that made each San Francisco and Dallas memorable places to live these past two years. I am thankful to finally feel like I'm home.

I firmly believe that we choose our thoughts. We're 10 months into 2012 and so much has happened this year already. We weren't planning to move again, the third long distance move in 24 months, nor were we planning to cash out my retirement fund and downsize to a small apartment while we figure out our next steps. Strangely enough, it feels right to us. We have enough cash to pay rent for six months, which is more than most folks, and we can ride out this minor storm. We could choose to be miserable and whiny and shake our fists at our lives, but we're choosing to embrace the opportunities that come with starting over.

What I'm excited about, looking into the unknown: we are both pursuing our dreams. My husband, a software engineer in the games industry, has ate, slept and dreamed games since early childhood and now he can wake up and work on his own game. How lucky is he? So many people resign themselves to a life without passion because it's too hard. It is hard, but if you want it bad enough, you'll find a way. Three years ago, he was inspired to remake Ultima 4 in flash, all by himself, and thousands of people played his online version. It was the best time he'd ever had, and every day was filled with passion as the pieces of his vision came together. I'm looking forward to what he creates this go-round!

As for me, I'm thrilled to be back in Canada. Being retired at 33 wasn't all it was cracked up to be, not being able to work in the USA without a work visa. Today, I signed up to Pampered Chef,  to become a sales consultant for a great company that sells kitchen wares and tools. I've been a devotee for the last five years of PC products, and I see myself happy selling it. One of the visions I have for myself is bringing families together back in the kitchen and around the dining room table. We're so disconnected from each other and community can start at home. I've met so many people these past two years that don't feel comfortable in the kitchen and would like to learn how to be better in it. Being a PC consultant means I can teach some great, healthy, cheap simple recipes, meet new people and incorporate my stand up comedy in my cooking demonstrations. I know it is one of the puzzle pieces for me, of where I am going.

I'm excited to jump back into the coaching community in a big way. I'll be assisting at several upcoming CTI courses in Toronto over the winter, meeting enthusiastic new coaches. And I couldn't be happier that I feel like I'm getting my groove back - to want to be writing comedy and my funny little haikus for a future book.

Every night for the past 10 months, hubby and I write 5 things we are thankful for. Some days have been harder than others, but there are always little things that bring us joy. Like a good cup of tea. Or a phone call from a friend. These past three weeks that we've been home, we've been the happiest we've been in years. And I choose to live the space of abundance and gratitude, for the opportunity to start over, healthier, in love and following our passions.

~ with love,
Jean

The Home in your Heart

It would seem that the adage "home is where your heart is" has been around forever. It means different things to each of us: a welcome homecoming to the place where you grew up and have fond memories (and always feels like home, despite how many years you've been away), a feeling of contentment wherever you are in the world as long as you are with the ones you love, or maybe it's that feeling you get when you're sitting in your favourite chair enjoying your solitude.

But what about that moment when you've had that "aha!" moment and things just seem to all make sense - and your heart just feels... perfect... it sighs because it is home. I read an article this week by Claudia Escareño-Clark who wrote about her experience in choosing to pursue her postgraduate studies at Southwestern College in New Mexico. Claudia talks about her struggle and rationalization of tuition, time commitment and then there was... resonance. This past May, a good friend of mine and world renowned psychologist/art therapist/instructor/author in the field of PhotoTherapy, Judy Weiser, gave a talk on PhotoTherapy at the college, and something clicked for Claudia. I understood what I had been waiting for. She says, quite perfectly: I think it’s easy for most of us, at least for me, to assume that because something isn’t right at the time it must not be right at all.

I know that so well. I so desperately wanted the answers to "life" when I completed my undergrad. I applied to 2 grad school programs and was rejected and I took the LSATs because an aptitude test said I'd be a good lawyer. Couldn't someone tell me who I was supposed to be, where I would fit in? It would be four years before I found what felt like home: the first weekend at The Coaches Training Institute's Fundamentals class. I met people who were like me: people who lived to encourage, champion, delight, support, and to challenge people's self-limiting beliefs. I felt like I was truly, for the first time, myself. My heart felt like it was home. I probably wasn't terribly gentle with myself in finding my life's path - I kept trying to force pieces of the puzzle together that just weren't ready. But the moment we are truly honest about our life's passions and are ready to step into receiving it fully, the universe will unfold for us.

Claudia says, Sometimes if we are willing to wait it out just a bit longer all of the pieces come together like some cosmic puzzle. 

Ain't that the truth.

2012 Kia Soul Snafu

Having always lived in cities and successfully navigated our whole adult lives with public transit, hubby and I had little choice but to purchase a car when we moved to Dallas, TX last fall from San Francisco via Vancouver. We bought a 2012 Kia Soul+, having driven it prior as a rental and enjoyed it. Because we are Canadians, our financing options were limited to the remainder left on our work visa (22 months) to pay off the entirety of the $20,500. We were very clear with the dealership and the sales people that we would eventually be returning to Canada and does this meet the requirements for import. They said, sure, because the 2012 Soul was even safer than the previous year's model. But it turns out that isn't the truth... Currently no 2012 Kia of any model is acceptable for import into Canada.   2011s are, provided safety modifications are made. Our dealership also neglected to mention our warranty would not be valid in Canada. 

I've loved my Soul, and have put 11,000 miles on my baby. In preparation for a visit home, I have discovered that Transport Canada does not allow 2012 Kias of any kind manufactured in USA entry into Canada. In fact, if someone attempts to cross the border, the car will be impounded. I've now spoken with Kia's customer service people three separate times and no one seems to have any real answers. They say Transport Canada has to request the paperwork on a case by case basis (which I find unlikely, since every model pre-2012 is on the list for acceptable import). Transport Canada says Kia has to submit their car specifications in order to determine if it meets Canadian Safety Standards. 

So I'm getting the run around. I've made a request for a letter from Kia that I can submit to Transport Canada for the case-by-case appeal, but I would like to take it one step further and EECB their executive to ask why the 2012 and 2013 models are not on the acceptable list (Toyotas, Fords, Mazdas are), and also why did their sales people not inform us that our amazing 10 year warranty would not be valid in Canada or that it was not on the list of cars to import.

I would not have bought a Kia if I knew this would be the headache I'd have to endure. We made it clear to the dealer we were Canadian and planning to take the car back eventually... 

Please help, I'd like to get the email addresses of their Exec so I can "provide valuable feedback" and I promise not to use profanity. I'd like to be able to import my car, when the time comes, and have a valid warranty in Canada. What will it take to make this happen, Kia? Help me, and you'll have a loyal fan for life.

Let it just be

I've rewritten the opening sentence to this blog entry at least five times, and I can commit to myself that this time I will let it just be. A good lesson for life, sometimes, is to let it just be. As with all of our lives, we have complexities that we keep private until the appropriate time to share our successes and failures. In large part, that is the reason why I haven't written a blog entry in a while. 


Instead, I'll focus on what I can write about: the other day my husband gently asked me to put down the mindless game I was playing on Facebook and get back into writing my haikus. I'd set a goal for myself, back in April, to have 100 haikus before the Dallas Forth Worth Writers' conference I attended in late May. I had hoped to have these ready to pitch to an agent and be swooped up and published. Needless to say, I didn't have my 100 haikus for the conference, but I did have 25. That number stayed pretty stagnant until an agent I met at the conference asked how my haiku book was coming (she expressed interest in seeing it), and I got excited again! I've written around 50 haikus now, and I'd like to have another 50 before I send in my formal query letter to her. 


I don't know about you, but sometimes when we establish an idea in our heads as "important" to us but then we lose track of the project or goal, there's value in looking at why it is no longer as important. It was hard for me to be in the space of joy and creativity to write these funny little poems when I was feeling overwhelmed and unsure about life. There was too much chaos to write the zen of the haiku. I needed quiet, direction and some inner peace.


I've found a lot more inner contentment in the past two weeks, and it has freed me up to get passionate again. In fact, in a moment of synchronicity, as I sat in the Starbucks with my haiku prep notes splayed out and furiously writing, a coach friend called and we ended up talking about what our life's purpose is. I believe that my life's purpose, and the thing that makes me so happy is to bring people joy, and to see joy in others.


In my profession as a coach, I can magically see and hear the potential in people's souls and I am grateful I am an instrument to magnify the joy in their lives. As a stand up comedian, to make people laugh is truly a gift. Maybe someone has had a bad day or is going through a difficult time in their lives, but for a few minutes, they are accessing the joy within. Or maybe it is as simple as a slice of my homemade strawberry rhubarb pie that brings them joy, a memory of their childhood and grandmas long since passed.

In this moment, I am content and letting life be whatever it will be. And making sure that my life's purpose, to bring joy to everyone, is the path I am setting out for myself.

What is your life's purpose? How are you living it today?

trip down memory lane - seesaw shes

i bookmarked this older piece of my writing, written on a now defunct blog, written on July 30, 2004. funny how some things change and some things stay the same.


 
seesaw shes.

she is cold and unfeeling. her smile is forced and not much can break across her face. emotion is void here. her laughter is lost in echoes of nothingness. i cannot stand to be in the company of her and soon i will be bidding her adieu.

the other she is like a she puppy, nipping at your feet, constantly wanting to jump into your lap and be loved. she will do and say anything to ensure that she is loved but i see right through her. she plays favourites and i am not a chew toy to be gummed. i cannot stand to be in the company of her and soon i will be bidding her adieu.

the other other she is on her life journey, asking for directions all the time, even to take small steps to her cornerstore. she is afraid of getting lost, even though she has several maps in her hand. they all have the same roads marked on them, but oh which to choose? that is a decision for her and she does not do well with decisions. she needs a navigator but i am tired of driving. i cannot stand to be in the company of her and soon i will be bidding her adieu.

she who visits brings me laughter and love as we sit on our swing, sipping expresso in the dawn of morning light. she brings me safety and comfort in our exchange of dialogue, of love and love lost and love to come. she travels the world and brings it to me, in snips and snaps of her mind and eyes. her friendship is enduring, and when i am down she lifts me up. i help her as we see-saw our lives. mostly, she tells me what i need to hear. i can stand her company and she stands beside me. i will not be bidding her adieu.

another she is good for me but sometimes even she wears down my head. she prods me incessantly, as if i am one of those sheep, doe-eyed and smacked silly. i have a memory and it retains many things including simple directions to make mac and cheese. surely i can remember to do small things suggested by her. mostly, she tells me what i need to hear. i can stand her company and she stands beside me. i will not be bidding her adieu.

spiritual she lifts me when i am down. distanced only by the hum of techology, of thousands of kilometres of wire apart, we convene weekly meetings to discuss how close we are. she helps me reclaim my heart and head, and this will go on for years. sometimes i shake my head at her, but mostly i nod in agreement. mostly, she tells me what i need to hear. i can stand her company and she stands beside me. i will not be bidding her adieu.

i am fortunate to be in the company of many a good she. even the shes that i must bid adieu to have taught me much about myself. to laugh and be merry, to love sincerely and to be firm and confident in my life decisions. a balance of shes in my life. soon there will be a void of the shes that i bid adieu but that is part of the seesaw.

In defense of failure (Finding the Beauty in Failure)

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing at life. Yes, me, a professional life coach who is passionate about seeing other people reach their dreams and destinies. Fellow coaches would jump all over that statement of "failing at life" and tell me that is my saboteur or inner critic at work. They may be right. But as I come up on 35 in two days time, I can't help but look around at my friends and acquaintances and see if I'm meeting the benchmark.

There are:

• friends younger than me who own a home and have a great network of friends and family nearby
• friends who seem to have mastered the corporate ladder more successfully
• friends who are well regarded in their field
• friends who have real vacations at least once a year (my last real holiday was in 2006!)
• friends that seem to have mastered the balance of hobbies, work and relationships
• friends who have thousands of twitter followers 
• fellow coaches who have clients paying them gobs of money

We're a society of comparison and perfection. It would be so easy to look at someone's life at face value and make all sorts of assumptions that everything is peachy keen in someone else's life. That's just the surface story. Maybe the truth is you're a homeowner and overwhelmed with renovations that never seem to end or you were promoted to a higher position with added responsibilities you don't want but you don't want to turn down the pay increase. Maybe you have thousands of online admirers but are a total neurotic wreck in real life and you live in constant fear of being found out. Maybe you're hiding your credit card statements from your partner because you're racking up huge bills paying for escapist tendencies. What I'm trying to say is, the only person that can really measure your success is you, and comparing yourself to someone else is like comparing apples to doorknobs. 

The latin word,comparationem, ends up translating into "make equal with, liken, bring together for a contest." There are people who live their lives competing against one another. This happens among siblings, coworkers, friends. I'm not interested in competition and I never have been (unless you get me playing Settlers of Catan or any other awesome board game).

I've done some pretty extraordinary things for my 35 years. I've run a half marathon and never gave up on myself. I've faced cynical audiences as a stand up comedian and made them laugh. I'm navigating my identity as a child of deaf adults and what that means to me in the bigger picture of my life. I've invested in my ongoing education, to continually expand my world view and challenge myself. I've packed up on short notice and moved to a new country. Twice (because, let's be real, Texas is kind of like its own country). I left a job with great pay, benefits and great coworkers to go on an adventure and trust that the universe will sort it all out. I've stuck by my husband for sixteen years through thick and thin, for richer or poorer, and in sickness and health.

So yes, there are things I don't have and experiences I have yet to have, and maybe in someone else's eyes (and mine, occasionally) that makes me a failure. Sometimes not having all of that drives me, motivates me, to be better... but then I look at who I am. I look wholeheartedly at myself in the mirror and I know that I am defined by who I am. Where I have come from. Where I am going. If I can stay in that place, of fully, truly appreciating all that I am, standing in full integrity of myself, I know I cannot be anything else but truly successful.

I don't feel "better" having written this (I'm still a little bit sad), but I do know it is the truth. And when I can express my truth, the sadness will lift. And there will be many days of joy that follow. Days of appreciation and gratitude. Likely, the sad days will return here and there. But I, and you also, can choose to stand in the integrity of who we are. And no one can take that away from you.

My planned failures for this summer include: failing to make the New York Times best seller list; failing to make 200 people laugh; failing at making homemade pasta and ice cream; failing to perfect a new website for my coaching, writing and comedy; failing to have more paying clients. I'm gonna go full steam ahead and flail my arms failing. If there's anything my friends know about me, is when I get knocked down, I get up again. Never gonna keep me down.

P.S. Found this amazing TedTalk on Vulnerability and Shame, thanks to the anonymous comment left below. I feel like I found home today.  

Addicted to your story

I really enjoy watching Oprah's Lifeclass on the OWN network. I love that there is a forum for sharing and promoting the value of personal growth. Her guest/co-host was a woman named Iyanla Vanzant, a woman she has had on previous shows. In this Lifeclass Tour episode, a man named Steve shares his story of his 20+ year drug and alcohol dependency and difficult childhood. Iyanla notes that not once does Steve celebrate his intermittent sobriety, and he focuses on the despair and darkness of his past. She said to him, Who would you be without that story? She pointed out that his new addiction is his story, telling it, reinforcing the darkness, worthlessness, misery and pain. That place of pain is where he is comfortable in. When you live each day telling yourself a story that continues to feed your dark beast, how can you ever see the light?

If I were to be honest, I would write about what it was like to be the only person growing in my house that could hear. My mom, dad and sister are deaf. I was born an outsider, and despite being hard of hearing, that wasn't deaf enough for me to ever feel accepted by my father or sister. At the age of 34, I'm still an outsider who doesn't belong, and for many years I believed that, because why would my family lie to me? I avoided the deaf community from age 19-32, because I felt rejected by my family. It took me a long time to accept that two deaf people aren't all deaf people. There are still some very raw feelings around this which get rehashed every time there is a family conflict, but I am a work in progress. We are all works in progress. 

I've worked very hard to create a life that is abundant with joy and fun and compassion. But there is darkness, masquerading as sadness, lurking in my heart. It is hurtful when you are pushed away from the people who are supposed to love you. But I don't want this to be my story. I don't want to be that person who, when sitting down to meet strangers over lunch, spills out my miseries. I'd like to set that story on fire and let the ashes scatter in the wind. It doesn't really serve me, it doesn't help me move forward into greatness, happiness and true success. When I tell that story, people look at me and pity me. That isn't what I want. So I am committed to making a conscious effort to focus on a new story, one that revolves around me and how awesome I am, and how much I love being a coach and a comedian and how thankful and full of joy I am to have the people in my life that I do. 

Are you addicted to a story that weighs you down? What would happen if you told another story for a while, one that moves you forward in your journey? How can you tell your story that invigorates you? Lifts you up?

~

Jean

Articles of interest

I'll update this as I find interesting articles.

Coaching related articles
"Making the most out of coaching", Globe and Mail, November 27, 2011
"Seven Reasons Why Most Coaching Programs May Not Work For You", www.rajeshsetty.com
"Revive your New Year's Resolutions", Parade
"15 Things to Give Up In Order To Be Happy",  www.purposefairy.com

Work
"Navigating Work's Little Speed Bumps" Costco Connection, see bottom of page
"A love note to the workaholic", Washington Post, February 18, 2012


Co-Dependency
"When Helping Hurts: A Lesson on Enabling", www.thechangeblog.com


Lives that inspire me
"Shelah was here", Toronto Star, March 17, 2012
"The light has gone out of my life", Facebook post about Theodore Roosevelt


Blogs I enjoy
Gail Vaz-Oxlade, host of several shows on Slice Network in Canada

Slow cooker baked potatoes are awesome!

I tried something new in my slow cooker yesterday (I've had a passionate relationship with mine for over 15 years) and blew my mind.

My challenge is to have dinner on the table within 15 minutes of arriving home when I have to fetcheth the hubsandeth from worketh (the round trip drive is about an hour). The slow cooker is great for this. I have made many soups, stews and other dishes in it. Yesterday was the first time I'd ever made baked potatoes in it - and I'm in love, all over again.

Scrub potatoes. Pierce with fork. Drizzle with olive oil. Salt. Wrap in tin foil. Cook on low 8-10 hours or high 4-5 hours. The consistency of the red potatoes were similar to a Greek potato - not baked, but not boiled, just right. For added flavour, I'm going to try some smashed garlic and spices in the pouch, and squirt some lemon on it when it's ready to serve.

Why have I never done this before? Consider me converted to the baked potato in the slow cooker now! :)

Early Warning System: Lessons from our body

The body has its own sense of humour, if you haven't already noticed. Ever have a persistent ailment like a sore foot, an achey neck or a sore throat? Yesterday my throat started to swell up a bit, and unfortunately when I woke up this morning it was still constricted and it hurts to swallow. So I'm taking extra good care of myself today. So far, only liquids have graced my lips in an effort to be gentle.

But what is it my body is trying to tell me? That I picked up a virus while shopping? That germs linger on shopping carts and door handles? I think it goes deeper than that - I think that my sore throat is indicative of my not fully speaking my truth. There are a few areas in my life for which I have not really dealt with. One of which is the challenging relationship I have with two family members. Another area is this "being in limbo" place of living in the US, not being allowed to "affect the flow of commerce" and wanting to settle in and make permanent roots somewhere, and maybe, just maybe, open my tea room. Not being able to speak to that has, in effect, rendered me unable to use my voice at this very moment.

I don't know about you, but my body is pretty sensitive. When we are disconnected from who we are supposed to be (the person living their life with passion and joy), we become ill. During my most stressful year, I experienced anxiety attacks and cried under my desk or in the bathroom, seemingly inconsolable and hysterical. I had migraines every day. That was my body saying there is another way to be, you have to follow who you really are. When I have spoken to people who have undertaken a complete shift away from their previous profession, they often tell me about how ill they were for months and years up to the shift. Their bodies were their early warning systems that something was very wrong.

A friend of mine recently had a neck spasm torqued facing forward and was in quite a bit of pain. So I asked her, what is the universe wanting you to see that is right in front of you, right this moment? Have you heard the joke about the man waiting on his roof during a flood for a sign from God? A man in a canoe comes by to rescue him. He passes. A man in a motor boat comes by to rescue him. He passes. A man in a helicopter comes by and again, he passes. He finally drowns and when he gets to Heaven, he asks God, why didn't you send me a sign? God says, I sent a canoe, motor boat and a helicopter for you.

What is your body saying to you right now? Is that sore neck or shoulder mean you are carrying the weight of your world on your back? Is that itchy ear mean you need to listen more carefully? What is so obvious in your life that you've looked past it a hundred times? I'm curious to know if you see something a little differently. Maybe it means that you are so wrapped up in caring for other people, that your own physical health is taking the brunt and your body is saying, take better care of me and slow the heck down.

For me, my sore throat means I need to stop talking, listen more and move in the direction of having my big voice be heard. So, today I am thankful for germs for reminding me that I need to listen to my body and my heart.

The human experience

I love those days where you wake up before the alarm goes off, and despite having gone to bed late, you're ready to take on the day. Where you have clarity and purpose simultaneously. Today is one of those days. I have been reflecting on how I am doing so far this year in honouring my values and goals. I have really been enjoying taking a few minutes each evening to write in my gratitude journal the day's experiences I am thankful for. Some days gratitude comes easier than other days. The best days are those when I feel truly supported by my friends, family and coach. I feel part of a community, a network of people who wish nothing but the best for my life.

One of my personal values is community - building, nurturing and including others in an environment that supports them in being their greatest self. That's how I've tried to live my life for many years, and that is one of the reasons that coaching and I are such a great fit. I firmly believe that it takes a village to raise a child and it takes a village to create joy and happiness in our lives. Sometimes I feel like we are wandering away from the village, like lost children. I feel like "community" is being eroded, being defiled by culturally encouraged narcissism. It's every person for themselves, it seems. 

The age of narcissism has been slowly encroaching on us. In my English Literature studies, we noted the prevalence of the biography as a genre of literature. And with social media sites like Twitter and Facebook and blogging sites, we're all the stars of our own show. It wouldn't surprise me if there was a new diagnosis for people who are obsessed with the idea of fame and popularity beyond the idea of high school. Me. Me. Me. 

Of the seven billion people on this planet, someone somewhere is feeling the feeling you are right this minute. Their circumstances may not be the same, but there is someone struggling with loss, addiction, depression, relationships imploding, confusion, sadness, being overwhelmed. There is someone out there who is celebrating joy, births, marriage, a first kiss. That is what connects us. Our human experience. It is our humanity that connects us at the deepest level. And if we're to believe media messaging and cultural persuasion, we are fully sufficient human beings as individuals. You're weak if you need help. You're weak if you're imperfect. 

I veto this idea. 

From our hunter-gatherer roots, we have shared our meals, our villages, our children, our accomplishments and our losses. For such an evolved tribe, we've certainly turned into a bunch of pill-popping, drink swilling, excess shopping zombies. People don't talk to each other anymore unless it is on a computer. We're more connected (thanks to the internet) than we have ever been, but we're more disconnected, too. Discontented, too. I've had to work very hard to tap into new communities with my two recent moves from Vancouver to San Francisco to Dallas. I need to connect, face to face, to other human beings. To be part of the human experience.

I don't believe in perfection - we all have our flaws and they shape who we are. What I have found by just being vulnerable and open about who and where I am in the moment, whether it be a good day or not, there is a connection with the other human being sitting across from me. By letting my guard down, I give them permission to do the same. In that moment, I am offering compassion, support and love. We are all capable of this. We've just forgotten how. 

What I ask of you is this: if you have a friend who is in need of love and support, don't wait for the "right time" to give them support. Ask them today how they're doing, and let them know what they mean to you and that they have your support, compassion and love. Sometimes hearing that someone cares is enough to help lift them from that dark place.

And if you're in need of support, reach out. Please. You don't have to go it alone. 

We have such great capacity for love in each of us. Choose love today. 

Power of place

I am writing this post from a very cozy leather chair at a Starbucks near hubby's work. Sometimes, instead of turning around and driving back home, a 25 minute drive, I like to hang out in Dallas and have some thinking time. That thinking time occasionally looks like window shopping, reading a book or working on a blog entry or comedy material. I enjoy my time away from my home, and I find myself most productive when I am surrounded by strangers and noisy coffee machines. This has a lot to do with the current state of chaos of my office/guestroom/zen room - after 4 months, it still isn't unpacked/settled. It isn't a space I want to be in right now. And that is all about to change. 

I had a breakthrough during a call last week. My coach and I talked about my bigger vision in life, which has always related to creating a space to nurture and help people heal. In previous incarnations, that looked like a rustic retreat center that offered workshops, seminars, and all sorts of activities. I envisioned myself as a Big Momma figure, feeding people good food and feeding their souls good lovin'. That vision has changed somewhat in the past few months. Looking for a way to create my big vision now (one that isn't hampered by finances and time and space), I am very drawn to the idea of starting a tea room. 

Tea. Tea has always been an important part of my life. I love the ritual of tea, the attention paid by proper tea connoisseurs to the temperature of the water, the type of teapot, the amount of steeping of the leaves, all of that. It is the penultimate of mindfulness. And then you have it, a soothing cuppa tea that calms your soul, that connects you to spirit, that grounds you. If you're lucky, you get to share that experience with someone special. I also enjoy high tea, the dainty treats and the slow lingering enjoyment of cucumber sandwiches and scones with jam and Devonshire cream. Imagine taking an hour to enjoy such niceties and connecting with your tea companions in a meaningful way. A time out from the harried world. Tea is about you. 

I'm a firm believer that when you are ready, truly ready, and you declare this to the universe, doors will open. People will come into your life to help you create your dreams. Just 2 days after I created the intention of a tearoom in my apartment, the universe sat me next to a woman at a lunch gathering who is interested in trading coaching services for her expertise as an interior designer. She is going to help me create my tearoom space. I have a very good feeling about this room - it is my intent to create a harmonious, calming and connecting space. Maybe, just maybe, I will no longer feel as though I need a Starbucks coffee house as a space to write. 

Who knows what the tea leaves will say, at the bottom of my next cup. 

Walking a mile in someone else's shoes

What does it truly mean to walk a mile in someone else's shoes? It's a cliche we hear often enough. Are we to visualize someone's life experience, their past, present and future, and imagine what it must be like living life as them? Can we truly ever understand what it means to be someone else, even if just for a moment? What if their shoes looked really uncomfortable?

I recently met and was inspired by a woman who shared her ongoing journey of self discovery. Like me, she was a self-professed tomboy for most of her life, shying away from overtly pink and girly things. (I recall my first Christmas in my husband's family where, when asked what I'd like as a gift, I asked for a Swiss Army Knife, a coffee thermos and a robe that was any colour but pink.) She didn't want to be pigeonholed or defined by her gender. Not all girls want to play Barbie, cook or be wives or mothers. Some of them want to play Dungeons & Dragons or touch football. Even though she had steered clear of the "girly" inside for many years, she was curious about that aspect of her own life. A few years ago, she made a focused effort to embrace the feminine. In the process, she found herself empowered.

The journey to femininity meant wearing makeup, spending time on her hair, wearing more professional and feminine clothing to work and she learned how to stop worrying and to love the stiletto. At first it was a kitten heel, a short heel, to start. Once she had mastered that, the height of her heels began to grow. Prior to all of this, she never quite understood stiletto fetishists who insisted the skinnier and taller the heel, the better. Having embraced platform stilettos and mastering the walk, she understands. It is about empowerment. The owning of one's sensuality.

I admit, I prejudged her. Before sitting down and having our conversation, I felt she was trying to be someone she wasn't. I was trying to fully understand her efforts to be what I perceive as ultra feminine. As though somehow it was all about me needing to understand why she was who she was. Which, admittedly, is a very narcissistic perspective. I will also admit that I have snickered when I've seen women teetering on stilettos while walking down the streets of Vancouver. I think that makes me a bit of a jerk. Maybe my prejudice comes from a place of envy or insecurity. I am very uncomfortable in heels (and would teeter in my own right). I have felt judged on occasion for wearing my comfortable and ugly orthotic shoes by women who have more stylish footwear. And the unfortunate part is, when we're judging someone based on their shoes or clothes or hair, we're overlooking an opportunity to know who they are as people, to know what their story is.

So here I was, humbled by this woman who decided one day to fully embrace the feminine side of herself. She said something along the lines of, I knew it would be hard and that I would be uncomfortable sometimes, but it was something I needed to do to fully discover and embrace myself. She inspired me. It takes courage to push yourself out of your comfort zone and into an unknown place. Maybe for you, it means committing to writing a book this year, or challenging yourself to get onstage and share your life wih others. Maybe it means buying those sexy Manolos you've been looking at through the window and committing to strutting your stuff.

You may have blisters. Your feet may ache. But after you've walked a mile in someone else's shoes, you're a mile farther ahead than you were when you started.